At A Mother’s Touch, we focus on turn taking over sharing. Asking a child to share can translate to “give what you are using right now to your friend” – when a child could be right on the brink of a play discovery! Prompting a child to share on-the-spot often disrupts the learning that is happening under the surface of play: the planning, organizing, deepening engagement, decision making, and follow through… Whenever possible, at A Mother’s Touch, a child is allowed to play with a toy for as long as actively using it and offer a turn to a friend once all done.
THIS SOUNDS LIKE:
- “Can I have a turn?”
- “I am using this right now.”
- “You can have a turn when I’m all done.”
Teachers step in to support with big feelings:
- “You’re frustrated. You wish it was your turn right now!”
- “We can handle frustrated.”
- “Should we play with blocks or trains while we wait for our turn?”
STATE WHAT YOU SEE
We calmly state what we see instead of swooping in to solve:
- “I see two kids who want the same truck. How can we work this out?”
We’ve found that tone and body language matter a lot here. Think neutral, sturdy leader. Matter-of-fact observations. We’ve found that slowing things down – literally, with both your body language and your speech – and using a grounded tone (think: opposite of sing-songy) helps de-escalate situations. Typically a child in a toy dispute is coming in hot! It’s our job to slow down and enter a situation calmly and with confidence.
INSTEAD OF “WHAT’S GOING ON OVER HERE?”….
We all know what it feels like to rush into an argument over a toy. Especially if kids are already crying or shouting, it can be really tempting to speed in and lead with “What’s going on over here?” or “Who had it first?” The rushing itself escalates things, and the question can put kids on the defensive. They are QUICK to talk over each other to tell you their side of the story. Things get louder, feelings get bigger.
TRY, “WE CAN FIGURE THIS OUT.”
Your calm presence alone helps children co-regulate.
Enter calmly, slowly if you can, and in a neutral tone, try:
- “I hear both of you yelling. You’re upset. I know we can figure this out. Let’s see…”
Then name what you see:
- “I see the tall tower you are building and the blocks you are using.”
- “I see Johnny crying.”
- “Let’s figure out what happened…”
Over time, when children see that you are not in a rush to take the toy they are fighting over or solve it with an arbitrary rule, they become freer to re-regulate and more invested in problem solving itself. Once they see you’ll take your time trying to understand, they’ll trust the process. They’ll come to see themselves as kids who can get upset and still work things out. Consistency helps with this.
GIVE THEM THE WORDS
We ”think out loud” to give them the words.
- “You can say, ‘I’m still using this. You can have a turn when I’m all done.”
- “I won’t let you take it from his hands. You can say, ‘Can I have a turn?” or “Do you want to trade?”
- “I heard her say no. She’s not ready yet.” Then, to the child who said no: “Caroline, you can say, ‘I’m using these. You can have a turn when I’m all done.’”
We feel like a broken record, but eventually these words become their inner dialogue, and eventually they can use them independently.
REINFORCE
- “Your calm words helped me understand what you needed”
- “You had ideas about how to work that out!”
- “We worked together to solve that problem!”
- “Your friend wanted to play, and you gave her a turn with the red shovel. How did that feel?”
- “Wow, when you took turns with the shovel, you dug a hole so deep that you could both sit in it! That looked fun!”
- You noticed that there
- You asked if anyone wanted more before you took the last one! That is thoughtful of you!
SPECIAL CONSIDERATIONS
- When there is a limited quantity of a consumable resource or a limited amount of time with a resource, we help children find fair ways to play. This might include trading, playing together, sharing, or taking shorter (timed) turns.
- “Would you want to trade?”
- “Is there a way for everyone to play?”
- “The materials in the tray are for the whole table to share. There are no more pom poms in the cabinet. Can you take five and pass the tray down?”
- “I’ll let you know when there are two minutes left in your turn. Then you can pass the stethoscope to Everett.”
SOCIAL PRESSURE
It can feel like there is a lot of social pressure at a park to jump in quickly and say, “Oh! Be nice! Share your sand toys!” Especially if a child reaches for a toy your child brought and your child’s reaction is BIG!
Permission to say:
- “He is using these shovels to build a sandcastle right now.”
- “I wonder if we could find you a stick to dig with!”
- “I wonder how the sand would feel if we dug with our hands!”
If and when the other child starts crying because he wants a turn now, it gets really tricky! But as parents, it feels good to acknowledge that you’ve been in their shoes.
- “We know how that feels!”
- “I’ll let you know when he’s all done, and your son can definitely take a turn!”
The key is staying neutral. Assuming the best of your kid – looking for their plan, and naming it!
If your child has sand toys that are sitting unused, you might try:
- “He wants to play! I see two shovels. Are you using red or blue?”
- “And when you’re ready to switch, you can say, ‘trade!’”
TODDLERS AND TURNS
In toddler and two year old classrooms, we have multiples of toys to set children up for successful parallel play.
We use infant sign language to emphasize key words such as: “busy,” “turn,” “all done.”
