Social-emotional learning is the heart of learning at AMT.
Mistakes are learning opportunities. Accidents happen. Children learn through experience.
So, we set clear boundaries, model what we want to see, and give children (literal) space to try authentically.
With this in mind, we don’t force apologies.
It was once framed to me this way:
Imagine making a mistake on an important project at work. Your boss tells you that you need to fix it, but the thing you need to fix is just beyond your current skillset. Then imagine that your boss stands over your shoulder, telling you to fix it on the spot with your co-workers looking on. Embarrassing, right? Not the time to learn a new skill.
Shame causes kids to freeze. Here’s how we handle these moments instead:
- Confidently set a boundary: “I won’t let you…That hurt her/hurt her feelings.”
- Instead of, “Say you’re sorry!” try, “Let’s check on her!”
- While we don’t force a child to say an apology, we often gently prompt. In prompting, we acknowledge the goodness in the child. We separate the good child from the undesired behavior. We are clear about the boundary and model the desired language and behavior.
- “I won’t let you say…Those words hurt. Next time you can say, ‘I didn’t like that!’”
- “I know you are a kind kid. Let’s check on your friend.”
- “You could say, ‘I’m sorry I said that. Are you okay?’ or ‘How can we figure this out?’”
- If your child can’t find the words/is resisting participation, sincerely modeling goes further than forcing!
- “Those words hurt. I’m sorry! Can I sit with you?”
- “Ouch! That hurt. Do you need an icepack?”
- “Do you want a hug?”
- “Can I help you rebuild the tower when you’re ready?”
- Later, once the child is calm, we teach the skill necessary for the child to handle the situation differently next time.
BUILDING SKILLS
When a child is dysregulated or “stuck” in shame, it’s impossible to learn at that moment! We loop back later to teach the skill. Then we look for repeated opportunities to model and practice through play!
BUILDING ACCOUNTABILITY
We model taking responsibility for our own actions and repairing:
- We intentionally build kids identities as kind and helpful kids who are good inside:
- “This is a classroom full of kind kids.”
- “You have a big heart!”
- “I noticed you helping…”
- They actively participate in taking care of their classroom and solving problems with peers.
- “Spilled milk? No problem! You know where to find the paper towels!”
- “How should we solve…?”
OOPS! It was an accident…
Sometimes kids freeze when it’s a total actual accident too! Throughout the day, we respond calmly to accidents. Spilled milk? We can handle that! Can you grab a paper towel? We jump in to help others frequently. We give them the language:
- “Oh no! I stepped on your toe! That was an accident. Are you okay?”
- “I’m sorry! I wasn’t listening to you. What you have to say is important to me. Can you tell me again?”
Shame vs. Repair – More Resources:
If you’re interested in reading or listening to more on this topic, we highly recommend Dr. Becky Kennedy’s TED Talks on this topic. Excerpt and links follow:
So what is repair? Repair is the act of going back to a moment of disconnection, taking responsibility for your behavior, and acknowledging the impact it had on another. And I want to differentiate a repair from an apology. Because when an apology often looks to shut a conversation down—“Hey, I'm sorry I yelled. Can we move on now?”—a good repair opens one up. And if you think about what it means to get good at repair, there's so much baked in realism and hope and possibility.
