We all want to raise kind and empathetic kids! Collectively, we find ourselves talking a lot about being kind.
On the flip side and at the same time, we may hear people say, “That is not kind!” This can translate into a child’s inner dialogue as: “I’m not kind!” Instead:
We affirm the kindness at the child’s core, and we separate the behavior from the person inside:
- “You’re a kind kid.”
- “Those words hurt his feelings.”
- “Let’s choose words that show your kind and caring heart.”
We define kindness in terms of age-appropriate actions that can be taken. We help children focus on what kindness is instead of identifying what is “not kind.”
In moments that seem “not kind,” we pause and first consider:
- Is the child’s behavior developmentally-appropriate? And, is my expectation of the child at this moment developmentally-appropriate?
- For example, when a toddler screams “NO!” and refuses to share a toy he is using with another child, it may do more harm than help to say, “That’s not nice!”
- What skill needs to be developed? How can I teach this skill/model what to do/say?
- In the above example, teaching turn-taking is appropriate. “Looks like Jack wants that truck too. When you’re finished, you can say ‘all done!’ and give him a turn.”
Beginning in infancy, we focus on emotional regulation. As a child, I must be able to identify, understand, and work through my own feelings before I can have an empathetic and/or helpful response to someone else’s. As caregivers responding to a child’s bursts of emotions, we are modeling empathetic and helpful responses from the very beginning.
As children get older, according to a report by Harvard researchers:
- Kids need to hear from us (and see!) that kindness is important.
- Kids need daily opportunities to practice caring for others.
- We need to encourage kids to consider the perspective and struggle of others.
As pointed out by author Kelly Holmes in this article, books do all three of these things. Plus, Holmes adds: “when you read fiction, research shows that your brain reacts the same way as if you were living the story in real life. In other words, reading children’s books about kindness is akin to setting up a virtual reality simulation where your child can fully enter the experience and understand different perspectives.”
All of this to say, we’ve been growing a Friendship Library at A Mother’s Touch. These books support what’s being done in the classrooms to teach children how to process big feelings, develop empathy, value differences, be true to themselves and stand up for others — even when it’s hard!
Additional Resources:
Wired for kindness: Science shows we prefer compassion, and our capacity grows with practice
Are you raising nice kids? A Harvard psychologist gives 5 ways to raise them to be kind
